By the Sidelines

I’m not the main character of the stories, I’m not even a supporting character, in fact I’m just a passerby.  I’m not one of those who play an important role in any movie or novel, my decisions make no difference or affect the course of the story.  I’m just there, witnessing those who cause the drama, immerse themselves in a thrilling or perilous romance, become victims of the consequences created by their twisted actions. I don’t involve myself with anything that may put me in the spotlight.  Some people might say that I’m boring or not amusing, that I don’t have any experience in life because I’d rather live a quiet life.  This is the world I’ve designed myself to live in.

The sparkling silhouettes that cluster my vision always have something to say:

  • It’s not a party till you drink
  • People are more fun when they’re wasted
  • You’re a little weird, how can you have fun while sober?
  • You really like that type of music?
  • That’s not what everyone is listening to nowadays
  • Wow, you really haven’t dated anyone!?
  • But you’re so pretty, how come you’re still single?
  • Are you sure you’re ok on your own?
  • You probably need to lower your standards a little

“You probably just need to mind you own damn business” Why do people care about what I do, or whom I get involved with? It’s my life, my problem.  There you have it, my life is anything but interesting, not even an arc about myself would be satisfying since I’m just one of the backgroundless extras, and yet here you are wanting to know more about me. Well I guess you’ll get what you asked for, but my life is not a fairy tale, nor it is peaches and cream, not even a fun anecdote. It’s just a simple, plain, ordinary and boring one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It seems ironic that the more I try to avoid any situation the more involved I get, I seriously never wanted to be part of any drama.  I avoid it like the Black Death.  I was a strange kid, I mean I still am, but I had a “psychological condition” or an “anxiety disorder” whatever that means.  I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism, which is just BS fancy talk for “this girl’s bitchin’ about not wanting to be around other people”.  For the record, I still bitch about being around people.  Because of this I was taken to a psychiatrist and had the teacher call my mom multiple times.  I was 5 at the time didn’t it ever occur to them that I simply didn’t like them.  Well I still don’t know if it was a real thing or another way for doctors to gain money from their patients, but I had like two or three sessions and I never spoke to the doctor.  I guess I had him beat, because I never went back, and I still suffer from “people anxiety”. Do I hate people? No…maybe.

There’s nothing else worth telling from my younger years…except…nope, there is nothing.  Apart from that, my childhood was as normal as any other brat’s childhood.  Play, run, fight, snort, fight, make up, fight, make up and get a couple of “booboos”.  Skipping to when I was in Jr. High, let the games begin!  Kids that age were sure living a soap opera, it was that “I’m better than you” phase that lasted even after puberty. By that time, I was concentrating on getting good grades, have a couple of friends, which stabbed me in the back later on.  I got tangled in some of their coming of age rants cheaply copied from a Lifetime movie. I had to shake of the demons before I got possessed by them too.  BEGONE MADNESS! What could a girl do around here to quietly finish Middle School, without having to deal with the pos-snot dilemma? Nothing, just nothing, but keep being the silent psycho I had always been. I got criticized, and my indifferent nature just ignored them.   Although I must admit some of the things got to me, but more reason for me to give zero shits about those hypocritical self-centered morons.  I had my priorities set and I knew what I would do once I entered High School.  Exactly the same shit I had been doing all this time, walk among the shadows unnoticed by the unfamiliar yet similar faces among me.

Are you bored yet, if you are, I recommend you walk away now, because it will get even more dreary… Still here? Then I shall continue.

High school was a different experience, it was…colorful?  I guess the change of environment from a school to another had a small confidence boost.  The gloomy scenery of restless souls sucking the life out of the living had dissipated.  I thought it was a chance to jump from the sidelines and become at least a supporting character.  Everything was passive the first two years, I made friends (who also stabbed me in the back), we had things in common and they were fond of my personality.  So far, so good, right? Wrong!  I had forgotten it was the age of envy and crot… I mean, crushes.  Believe it or not, I’m a surprisingly nice and caring person, so I try to approach lonely miserable beings that, like me, contribute nothing to the main plot.  BIG mistake!  Five confessions in two years.  Hey, I was flattered really, but what part of me did they like the most? My angelic metallic wired smile or was it my sexy voice that put them in a trance… Yeah, my voice is not sexy, and I’m… well… average.  But that’s what I get for trying to climb the fence while they were still shooting the main cast scenes.   This brought consequences with it, jealousy reigned among the girls, laughter and embarrassment.  Questions from friends arise:

  • Do you like him?
  • Will you start dating?
  • You two would make a wonderful couple.

Bitch please! They just wanted me unavailable, so they could take a bite of the tasty snacks.  Not to mention they wanted to pair me up with the worst possible candidates. I just wanted to focus on school, friendship and youth, why bother with such complicated things.  I stepped away from the spotlight and once again laid low till graduation.

College is not even worth mentioning, “fun and parties till dawn”, yeah right… more like “sleepless nights and studying till dawn”.  Scratch the 4 and a half years that had no impact or made no difference in my life whatsoever.

Was that a yawn right there? I guess you’re getting sleepy huh? I did warn you though.  Do you want me to continue? You do? Ok.

College was a waste of social interactions, on the bright side, no one messed with me and I was able to finish without standing out much.  So now I’m leaving the life any person dreams of having… I’m a proletariat…joy… I’m living the dream.   I’m still single, I’m still a psycho, I still hate…avoid people, and I still don’t care about what others think.  Today’s society gives me a nervous eye twitch, when I think of how dumb people have become.  Are we evolving backwards? Because I don’t really understand the logic of this day and age.  Then again maybe everyone is sane except for me, whatever it is, it still doesn’t make sense to me.  Does it even make sense to spend money you don’t even have on useless items, all to increase your made-up status and succumb in the land of consumerism? Or does it make sense to be dating someone just because the train is leaving, and everyone is expecting you to be married or at least be in a relationship by 30?  Does it make sense people keep voting for the same politicians even though they all know that whatever they say are lies? Does it?

I have contemplated the possibility of being with someone out of curiosity, but that means I would have to take responsibility for my actions, so I just play it safe.  I’m not in a hurry, when it comes, it comes, if it doesn’t, so be it.  I have set aside from the lingering drama and decided to live one step at a time.  And you know, I’m pretty happy.  Having you here with me also makes me comfortable and content.  The way you look at me and tickle me with your nose.   Laying beside me without a care in the world.  Licking the tip of my fingers and approaching me with your warm embrace.  You were willing to listen to my pathetic life story.  See, I told you there wasn’t much to say.  You might actually be the only one I need.

What do you think? Do you mind joining me in the sidelines? Would you come with me to continue living this extremely ordinary life?


By Jess

Categories Fiction, Short Stories

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close