“Writing is art, is a way to express emotions that are sometimes hard to convey.”
Let me tell you a story about myself. Most of the times (and by most of the times I mean almost every time) I find it extremely hard to “open up” to others and let others know what I think or how I truly feel. Since very young I would stand on my own, I grew up trying to solve everything by myself, because I believed that I would bother others if I relayed to much on them. I pretended I was fine just by myself, so I swallowed every problem, every worry, every doubt. In some way it helped me become a bit more independent, but in another, I grew up each day feeling more insecure about myself. Am I doing things, right? Am I ok?
Sure, I have people around me who care and like me, what am I afraid of? Why can’t I be like everyone else and express these emotions within me? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I would regret everything I say the instant I say it? These and many more thoughts have constantly clouded my mind clustering it with indecisiveness and indeterminacy. The sense of impotency and weakness take over me in a daily basis. I often describe myself as a “socially awkward person” simply because I’m unable to convey to others or even finish a conversation. My mentality towards the world has been fogged by my perception and inferiority complex. Till now I had never found something that made me truly happy and comfortable about myself or the people around me. This may be because is not till recently that I’ve encountered people who are honest and straight forward with me (other than my family, but it took me a while to realize how much they love me). Since my infant years my surroundings have made me question my existence and purpose, which is something that everyone questions at least once in their lifetime. But when you grow up in a toxic society that judges others for simply being or thinking a little different than “the rest”, you start developing a sense of not belonging and the search to find a reason begins.
Trying to fit in a circle can be the hardest, most frustrating thing for someone like me. I might act as if I don’t care about what others think, but I’m constantly checking myself in the mirror if I catch someone staring at me. In my mind:
– That person is totally into you.
– Yeah right, who would want a weirdo like you? Maybe there is something in my face (check once, check twice).
This is the kind of thought that an inexperienced, unsociable alien has. Notice I used the term alien to refer to myself, this is because at this kind of situations I feel as if I’m out of this world.
Talking or socializing is not really my thing (as you probably already know by now). To put it simply I’m not good with spoken words, especially in front of people I barely know. How have I overcome all this? I haven’t, but I’ve found something that helps me be more confident about myself and a way to express my suppressed emotions, and with time, I’ve learned to see things differently.
I’ve realized that just being myself, I was able to find people who truly like me for who I am, some even share the same interests and likes as me. So, what was I trying so hard for, if all I had to do was be myself? Yes, life is full of unexpected surprises and yes, a lot of people will try to bring you down, but it is worse to act like it doesn’t affect us. “Be true to yourself, it affects you even if you act indifferent. Acting strong only enhances your weakness”, at least that is how I felt. The stronger I act the lonelier and miserable I feel. I’ve decided to admit that I’m human and I have my limits. I’m not saying I’m strong now, and I don’t give a shit, but I know how much I’ll let something affect me.
Each person has different ways to cope with life and reality, the thing we need to understand the most is to try to find a mechanism that would help us handle all that is drowning us, in a way that doesn’t harm us or others. No, I’m not saying, “lose your inhibitions and start malfunctioning”, but we should find a hobby that we relish, that liberates us from undesirable judgements; where we can meet people with the same interests as us and have an enjoyable time without having to worry about being judged. A hobby that can make us feel good about ourselves and let out what is captive inside that fragile heart of ours. Give ourselves a break from the daily routine, and do something spontaneous, breathe new airs, see new sceneries, experience new excitements. That is what I opt to do.
However, I still have a long way to go, but I’ve started to see things differently and love myself more. I’m trying to be more straight forward with the people around me and look for answers before coming to conclusions. And when I have a tough time, and harmful thoughts, I write. I write about the day, write about my inner self, write about my subconscious, write about “what ifs”, about “why nots”, about writing, and about “wtf”. But nonetheless, I write, I write what comes to me to relieve stress, to discharge negative energies. It doesn’t matter the content in the paper or the pad, I feel better, because I know that I do what I like, and I have people who also like what I do, even if it’s just one.
Once again, I left my burdens on a piece of paper and I learned to value myself each time a bit more.
What about you? What do you do to let it all out and vent? What are your amazing stories? What worlds do you travel? What creatures do you encounter? What mysteries do you unravel? What passions do you expose? What makes you, YOU?
Show us, tell us, share it!
Stay beautiful everyone!!